There were so many moments that I hated myself. I hated that I was mentally ill. I hated the mistakes that I’ve made. I even hated that I knew I was going to continue to make mistakes, most likely the same ones, because I didn’t know how to “break” the cycles of destructive behavior.
Self-hatred can be the most appealing of all emotions because at least you know who and what you are. When other people would question who they were, I didn’t have to. I knew I was a bad person. I knew I sucked as a human being. I knew and accepted that I would go to hell one day. I would even joke about it. I would say something mean and follow up with, “Yep, I’m going to hell for that.”
During this journey of Seeking God, unbeknownst to me, I was also seeking myself. Learning about God, I was also learning about myself and how God feels about me. This was completely unexpected because I thought, I’m a horrible person but at least God has forgiven me so at least I won’t go to hell. He just accepts me as the bad individual.
It has become clear to me that I couldn’t be more wrong.
DID YOU KNOW?
Stars are clustered in galaxies, which on average are between one hundred billion and one trillion stars each. Astronomers have estimated that there are roughly one hundred billion to one trillion galaxies in the universe. So if you multiply those two numbers together, there are between ten sextillion and one septillion stars. Whoa! Needless to say, that is a lot.
Look at what God says about the stars…
Look up at the heavens. Who created all the stars? [God] brings them out like an army, one after another, calling each by its name (empasized added). Because of his great power and incomparable strength, not a single one is missing. -Isaiah 40:26
Now…look at what he says about us…
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me. -Psalm 139:17-18
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. -Psalm 139:13-16
Wow! Isn’t that amazing. You and I are more precious to God than anything that he has created and he has created some pretty amazing things. We must begin to see ourselves as God sees us, not as the world sees us. And in seeking God, this has been the most valuable lesson that I have learned thus far. Our God is amazing. Just open your heart and your ears and accept the endless, reckless love he has for all of us.
Thank you all for reading for thoughts. I pray that your day is going well and I pray that God is showering his blessings on you each and every moment. Please remember to pray for each other.
Peace. Love. Happiness in Jesus.
**Photos borrowed from google pics**