I Suck At Maintaining Friendships


I suck at maintaining relationships. Whew! There, I said it out loud. I’m sure people that I used to be friends with would say the same thing. It’s always something I’ve known deep down, but I don’t think I’ve actually admitted it until now.

I would love to say that my failed friendships are completely and utterly the fault of said ex-friends, but I would be lying big time! Some friendships I’ve lost because they were toxic. Some I’ve lost simply because we grew apart. But more than I would like to admit, most friendships were lost because of the depression I would have after a manic episode and my inability to seek the appropriate help.

After going through a manic episode, I would go into a deep depression, completely withdrawing myself from everyone; friends, family, co-workers, etc. This was not intentional of course. I would just become a recluse. Now, most people would allow me to wallow in my own misery without a second thought for my concern. But there were a few people who really tried to be a great friend during my moments of severe depression, but eventually, they would feel neglected and leave the friendship, which I totally understand. Afterwards, I would feel so embarrassed and ashamed, I wouldn’t contact them anymore. Regrettably, I’ve lost a lot of great people in my life this way.

pexels-photo-207896.jpegOddly enough, I’ve never been upset with them. I know it is hard to be friends with someone who suffers from severe depression and bipolar disorder. We can be unpredictable. How can I expect anyone to understand what I am going through if I don’t even understand what I’m going through? I mean, honestly, I don’t expect anyone to put up with it. A person can only take so much rejection. Maybe, I’ve never pursued a failed friendship because I know they do not deserve to be shut out of my life just because I’m going through a rough time.

Truly, I don’t think that I’m a very good friend. I love all of my friends, past, and present. Especially the ones that were there for me during some of my dark times and I will always hold them close to my heart.

If you are reading this and we stopped being friends due to my inability to function because of my mental illness, please forgive me. I want you to know that I did love you and appreciate you and it was nothing that you did. It sounds cliche, but it was ALL me, not you. I am so very sorry for not being able to be the friend that you deserved. I’m sorry for abandoning you and leaving you without an explanation. Futhermore, I am sorry for causing any trust issues you may have in the future for anyone who is trying to be your friend. 

pexels-photo-46024.jpegI do have one friend, that no matter how long I go without talking to her, she never gives up on me. She’ll constantly call and harass me until I reply. Even if weeks go by without a word. Somehow, she’s always there. One time, I tried to purposely push her away. At the time, I was unable to see past my own issues and felt she would be better off without me as a friend, but she is relentless. She is a like my husband farts; no matter how far you go to get away, she still lingers. I love her to pieces and sometimes I feel I don’t deserve her. She never reads my blogs post, so she’ll never know much I love her being so dang annoying 🙂

Sometimes, I become sad when I think about how I don’t have many friends. But I think, they are better off. Until I learn how to better handle manic episodes when they occur, no one should be subjected to a part-time friend. People, especially good people, deserve better than that.

pexels-photo-279470.jpegIf you are friends with someone who suffers from a mental illness, please have patience with them. It is not an excuse, but during manic moments, we are not ourselves. Our brains are trying to make sense of the rapid emotions flowing through our body and our mind. Everything feels right but wrong. The sun is shining 24 hours out of the day, while the nights’ dark skies gloom in the background. Up is down and everywhere is nowhere.

Does anyone else struggle with maintaining any kind of relationship while dealing with a mental illness? I would love to hear how it is for you.

Thank you for reading my thoughts.

I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire because that’s dangerous. But a super humid room… well not too humid, because you know… my hair. -Anonymous 


Seeking Emotional Refuge in God

We all know the tragedies that have been happening in the world. Some of us ask, why? Some of us are unable to comprehend the magnitude of such events. And some of us are so distraught, we don’t know what to think.

Tonight, I came across Ephesians 6. I feel the following verses gives us some of the answers that we seek. If not, they can provide comfort in knowing God will never abandon us in our time of need, while supplying us with the necessary armor to stand strong against said evil of the world.

Find comfort in God in my friends. He is listening and waiting to give you all the love that you need. ❤️❤️

Ephesians 6:10-20 New Living Translation (NLT)

The Whole Armor of God

10 A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12 For we[a] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

13 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. 14 Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. 15 For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.[b] 16 In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.[c] 17 Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.[d]

19 And pray for me, too. Ask God to give me the right words so I can boldly explain God’s mysterious plan that the Good News is for Jews and Gentiles alike.[e] 20 I am in chains now, still preaching this message as God’s ambassador. So pray that I will keep on speaking boldly for him, as I should.

Images borrowed from lindahabiba.deviantart.com


Good Day Fellow Bloggers!

So, everyday, I get a notification from National Geographic about the wonderful happenings in nature. I absolutely love it! It takes me away from the harsh realities that come with being human into a world that is truly spectacular, nature.

Below are a few photos from their segment, “Photos of the Week”. If you are a photographer, you can submit your work to be featured on their site here.

Please enjoy as I have, how miraculous our world really is. I pray that you are having a wonderful Saturday 🌸

Keep close to Nature’s heart… and break clear away, once in awhile, and climb a mountain or spend a week in the woods. Wash your spirit clean.” -John Muir

Funny Friday’s

Happy Friday everyone!

With all of the recent tragedies and illness’ going around, we have to find time to laugh and love. ❤️❤️ So, please enjoy this story from SunnySkyz.com. Hopefully it’ll make you smile ☝🏽☺️ Have a wonderful Friday, friends 🌸

The Uber Passenger

An Uber passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look man, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver – I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

“[Humanity] has unquestionably one really effective weapon—laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution—these can lift at a colossal humbug—push it a little—weaken it a little, century by century, but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. — Mark Twain

Stop Whining, Ashley!

pexels-photo-529926.jpegFor some time now, I’ve been wanting to blog daily. At first, it seemed like an unattainable goal. Now, after hard work and meeting most of the previous goals that I have set for myself, now I feel that God is telling me that I’m ready. I mean, it’s not like I don’t have anything to talk about. My mind is always racing with ideas, stories, and more ideas. Even if I was unable to come up with anything to blog about, my life is interesting enough with three little people running around. I’m sure that I would be able to come up with great material for you fine folks.

So what is stopping me? Fear? Procrastination? Uncertainty? All of the above. I am fearful because sometimes I doubt my writing ability. I’ve been experiencing a lot of confusion and that feeling of being “lost”. Apparently, a lot of people with Lupus experience the same side effect of this mysterious auto-immune disorder. Then I realized, if God is giving me instructions to blog every day, then that means He will bless me for obeying his directions, so I shouldn’t worry, right? I believe that all of the instructions that He is giving me will lead me to an overabundance of blessings. He has already proven to me that when I listen, I am blessed beyond my imagination. So, I shouldn’t be afraid. And after this, I no longer will be.

pexels-photo-164446.jpegI procrastinate because, well, honestly, sometimes I just don’t feel like it. Especially when I’m sick, and especially ESPECIALLY when everyone in my house is sick and all I want to do is get some sleep…just a wink of rest. But then how I can ask, no, BEG God to bless me when I’m whining about getting sleep? Sounds foolish when I think about it. It’s like God saying, “Ashley, go buy a lottery ticket. You’re going to win.” And I’m like, *in my whiney child-like voice* “…but Lord, I’m tired. Can I go later?” What sense does that make? He’s trying to give me some money and I’m whining.

pexels-photo-858568.jpegI want to be like Abraham. If you don’t know, God asked this man to not only travel, I believe three days (walking distance) away from home, but he wanted him to kill his own son as a sacrifice (Genesis 22:2-3) Crazy, right? But Abraham obeyed without hesitation. He packed up his stuff, grabbed a couple of servants, some supplies, and his son, Isaac, and headed off. Right when Abraham was about to stab Isaac, an Angel screamed out for him to stop. God told Abraham that he has proven his faith and because of it, God wants him to sacrifice a ram instead (Genesis 22:10-12). How awesome is that? Honestly, I couldn’t have done it. My faith is so weak right now, I would’ve been like, “Ok, Lord, I know I didn’t hear that right. So I’m just going to ignore it.” 

I just learned today, actually, what God does when we disobey Him. In Numbers 14:39-45, it says when the Israelites disobeyed God by not going to the land that He promised them, he abandoned them. When Moses told them that God was upset, they were like, “Oh, well let’s go!” But by then, it was too late. God had already abandoned them.

I don’t want it to be too late for me. I don’t want God to abandon me. Which I know he won’t but still. I want to have unshakeable faith. This I pray every day. Give me strength like Abraham, Lord because I know that blessings will outweigh the consequences.

So, expect to see a lot of me! You all have taught me so much from your blogs and I want to thank you for that. This should be easy breezy beautiful cover girl.

“But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.” James 1:22-25


Time for A Celebration!

Here we are again!! Share a link to your blog and I will reblog it on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s ❤️🌸

Harotian Essentials

Picture me, sliding across a wooden floor in white tube socks like Tom Cruise in Top Gun, because I just realized I’m at 365 followers!

All of you, each and every one, is awesome sauce for hitting that follow button. You guys are the real MVP’s, seriously. You inspire me everyday with your blog post, likes, comments, award nomination, etc. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

In celebration, I would like to share the wealth. I want each of you guys to know each other. Most of us follow the same blogs, but here is a chance to meet someone knew. I’ve meet remarkable people with different religions, backgrounds, ethnicity, etc. Its been a beautiful experience. I encourage you guys to do the same.

My favorite feature of the WordPress community is we all have at least two things in common; we’re all human and we all have something to…

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Ode To My True Love

As I lay on your chest while hearing the song of your heartbeat, I reflect on the life that we have together. Who knew that five years ago, God would bless me 😇with someone who would heal all of my wounds from the inside out.

Many told us that we shouldn’t be together, but I thank God every day for allowing our love to blossom 🌸into a beauty that many do not understand. Thank God that He knew what He was doing by blessing me with you 💕

You were made for me and I was made for you. We finish each other sentences. I know what you want before you even ask. My soul is directly connected to yours.☯️

You remind me every day of how much you love me. You are my best friend, my confidant, my lover, and my protector. You are the light 🌟during my darkness, the inspiration 💓 during my self-doubt, and the encouragement 💞during my tough times.

img_1887-e1518618794646.jpgThank you for being the best husband a lady could pray for you. You have exceeded my expectations of what a loving husband is and it is all thanks to our Heavenly Father.

You’ve made all of the pain and heartbreak in my past worth it, because, without their rejection, you wouldn’t have found me, loved me, healed me, and reminded me that I am worthy of true love.

img_2660We have been through the trenches of hell together and because of it, our bond and love have been transformed into a foundation that cannot be destroyed by anyone or anything.

You have loved my children as if they were your own and you have blessed me with a mini-you👶🏽that has all of your most beautiful qualities.

Saying I love you will never be enough to fully express the gratitude and admiration that I have for you. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for setting an example for our children of what real love looks like. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Most importantly, thank you for loving me for me. 😘

Happy Valentines Day and Happy Anniversary, my love.

“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.” -A. A. Milne